2.14.2016

Entry 114 - Love of my Life

I hear you in the wind,
In the rustling of the leaves;
that distinct sound as it rushes between branches.
You come to me when
The Sun shines at my face;
eyes closed, cheeks warm.

You are in all I am.

To love you,
Is my greatest delight.

How could I exist,
if not without you?
Love of my life.

11.02.2015

Post 113 - Distancias

A veces considero la distancia -
 el tenerte cerca y sentirte lejos a la vez, 
el tenerte lejos y necesitarte cerca.

Anhelar tener conmigo.

Extraño el roce de nuestros pies debajo de las sábanas,
como un ancla -
dándome seguridad,
por más que vengan las olas,
aquí me quedo contigo.

El poder extender mi brazo, sentir el roce de tu piel-
una activación de sensores,
un respiro a mis poros.

Que interesante tenerte lejos,
y sentirme ausente sin ti.


*Escrito en Honduras - 19 de octubre 2015

10.15.2015

Entry 112 - It's been a while...

It has been a while since I've written...

I open my eyes at times,
a savannah of sheets separating us,
in the middle of the night.

Often times I see little hands or round cheeks of Vale or Vera centimeters away from my face.
Few moments include Jorge Eduardo sprawling himself between us.

But there are times, still, when it is just you.

I smile.
Return to slumber.

All is perfect in my world.

I have you.

9.26.2014

Entry 111 - Silence

Looming, Imminent

It strikes - when least expected.

The hustle and bustle of the every day - 
taken for granted,
accepted quietly.

You accept it as the usual, the routine 
and never understand its importance.

Then, it hits you -
the silence.

At first it slowly drapes you,
then it absorbs you.

How quickly I've grown to hate the silence.
Its emptiness.
Its absence of smiles.
Its overpowering shroud.

How quickly I've transitioned from needing to be alone,
to feeling uncomfortable being alone.





5.05.2014

Entry 110- Valeria and Vera

It took a while to comprehend 
what I was feeling this morning... 
I hadn't felt it in over
10 years.

I woke up quick and angsty, 
took an extensive shower, 
shaved as perfectly as possible 
-checking that each patch of skin was smooth-
applied extra hairgel 
to make sure it'd last,
 and picked out a brand new shirt; 
checking myself in the mirror repeatedly.

That's when I realized 
what I had been doing:
inadvertently
I was preparing for a first date
-a first date with my two girls,
 Valeria and Vera.

...and, 
as soon as I saw them,
it was exactly
like the first date 
with their mother: 
instant,
overwhelming,
 unconditional love
 that can span lifetimes 
and overcome anything.

Thank you Lety, once again- 
te amo, te adoro, te love you forever.

3.07.2012

Entry 109 - Today

It is hard to explain it really.

There are no simple,
nor complex words,
to help describe it.

Today is different.

Birthdays come and go.
I've never been a true fan of my own;
but, today is different.

A day like today you arrived:
I saw your little, round nose;
I heard your deep-voiced baby cry;
I felt your tiny, chubby fingers;
and I fell in love with you.

You broke me and rebuilt me.
You made us better people.
You made us a more united family.

You have even done the impossible:
made me love your mother even more.


In such little time, Jorge Eduardo, you've done so much.

Happy Birthday Gordito.
I adore you.

5.03.2010

Entry 108 - Driving in Silence

It is in that moment when I am driving, focused, and silent.
My thoughts are on the road and I drift off.

Yet, sometimes, when you're asleep or barely awake that,

You bring me back, focus on you, I smile, and thank God I'm with you.

All you do is just reach over and put your hand in my pocket.

It is that tiny moment of interaction that links me to you.

It is that touch that shows me how much I love you.

1.05.2010

Entry 107 - Snuggle

It's that moment,...
when you're fast asleep, and
in your deep sleep you crawl your way
under my arms
and rest your head on my chest.

It doesn't matter what time it is.
It doesn't matter what I was doing.

In that moment I melt for you.

7.18.2009

Entry 106 - Wedding Vows

Leticia, ya nuestro amor es famoso entre tantos pero hoy es que le damos ese toque final que siempre supimos que vendría. Aquí, enfrente de Dios, nuestras familias y amistades consoliamos los 8 años que tomó para que esta relación llegara a este punto. Desde los tiempos en que veíamos el amanecer hablando por teléfono y haciamos competencias de baile en las discotecas, hasta reciente, cuando contaba los minutos dentro de un autobus para poder verte...

Siempre fuiste y seras tu.

Te Quiero
Te Adoro
Te Amo

Te Love You Forever

July 19, 2009

12.25.2008

Entry 105 - Coming full circle...


I can still feel my heart pounding
an eternity in seconds
I stared at you
my nervous smile
tears built up at the corner of your eyes
your endless ecstatic smile
time halted
my breathing stopped
you stared at me back
and then...
"Of course I will"


Remember when I used to say I'd marry you?
How you'd always ask how could I be so sure?

...

Remember when I asked you to marry me?
Remember when you said yes?
thank you all for believing

10.27.2008

Entry 104 - The Yearning

It can come and go as it pleases.
It can be an angry tenant -
complaining, bickering nonstop.
It can be a docile guest -
reminiscing, reminding all the way.

...absence...
...my heart needs not to grow fonder...

Do I really need more proof?
Can't this unrelenting yearning be enough?

I have, by far, lost myself the most these days.
I, somehow, have gone from being whole to partitioned.

A minor imprint,
A silhouette,
A scribbled outline.

i miss you

10.08.2008

Entry 103 - Craving

I still smile inside myself when someone mentions your name. I feel the warmth spread from the center of my chest outwards; treading slowly towards my limbs. I feel that tingle run a marathon over my skin, leaving me trembling as I imagine you near me.

I miss you when I least expect it.

The craving for your presence blindsides me, catches me, and leaves me breathless. I miss you by my side; brushing against you unintentionally, catching a whiff of your curls, or stealing a quick glance.
Everything reminds me of you.

You know how phrases and words can cause a quick memory? A swift flashback of each other? It’s as if every verse I hear or read holds a new meaning now; everything somehow related to you.

8.05.2008

Entry 102 - I Know... I Know ...

I have had people stop me and ask me how could I love you so much. People whom I don't even think know your name ask me how come it was so hard for us to be together, to be where we are now. It's weird sometimes, I think most of the times I just smile and remain silent.

I have taken what we had and thrown out into the world of millions. I am but one more out of millions announcing their love to the world.

I love you Lety. I love you so much I sit here perplexed trying to figure out which words to write to express how I feel, but I can't let it but come out of my pores. My fingers could never conceive how I feel to write such things. What I know and feel is indescribable, inexpressible, and just plain beautiful.

I know...
I know...
I'm corny.

But you can't blame me for loving you.

8.02.2008

Entry 101 - Epiphany

I remember I was merely sitting there, the guys jabbering about whatnot and my mind was astray. It was almost movie like. That moment when it came over me.

A sort of calm and happiness.

I took a deep breath and lifted my gaze off the floor.

"It's always been her."

That's all I said.
After years of wandering aimlessly in my life, it was that one moment that decided the course my heart would embark in.

"It's always been Lety."

8.01.2008

Entry 100 - Closely Far Away

I remember how it felt to lose you.

I had never felt more lonely. I felt a restraint on my heart.

No matter what, I hurt inside.
I was the embodiment of pain.

I was all manly about it, fought back the tears and just grunted at everyone's inquiry.

But the truth is I felt as if my heart were sucking me inward, a black hole had appeared in the center of my chest and all of me was being sucked inward. It was so strong. It was so constant.

I hated that constant desire to cry. I couldn't shake it off. I couldn't escape it.

And the worse thing is I knew I had caused it, it was my fault.

7.02.2008

Entry 99 - Smile Factor

There is something that happens to me when I stare into your eyes, it's like this unknown force charges through me and causes me to smile.

It's that darkness contrasted by the white of your eyes.
It's the love and happiness I see in them.
It's the future I glimpse.

I always smile when I look into your eyes.

You'll always ask why I smile.

I'll always say, "Because I love you."

6.22.2008

Entry 98 - Absence

Nothing yet has really sunk in,
it all looks exactly like it always did.

Pictures and presents hanging around my room.
An old movie stub from a movie we saw together on the desk.

Sometimes I think I can smell your perfume when I am driving alone.
I hate driving to places alone, I miss you next to me.

Sometimes I scan the crowd I'm in and see all the couples.
Empty chairs are my ideal partner these days.

[notdone]

Entry 97 - Privacy

Privacy is something we yearn, something we hope for.

So many people complain about losing their privacy. I don't have to think about things like that anymore.

This is mine and no one else's. Not even your eyes glance it. I always wrote it for you, even in the beginnings when sorrow and pain seethed out of my fingers, it was always for you.

Now, who knows if you'll ever read it. I'm hopeful, I guess. One day I might open up and let it out. Right now this diary is mine, right now I have privacy.

6.13.2008

Entry 96 - In a bad place...

I'm in a bad place.

Self-pity and hatred have been part of me for so long that I no longer notice their existence.
It seems odd that someone so filled with self-anger would be so selfish.

Am I that bad of a person?
Am I that selfish?

I have hated myself for so many years without paying that much attention to who I was.

I'm tired of being so angry at myself.

I'm in a bad place, but I'll come out.
I hate to give up.
I will change.

6.11.2008

Entry 95 - Silence

The silence has been the worse.
Not knowing what to do or think.
Staring at the screen or at the phone.
Just hoping...
It's endless,
this wait.
Damn ... I did this to myself.
I hate this silence.


6.08.2008

Entry 94 - Return

Life does things to you. Actually no, you do things to life. Sometimes you calculate it all and it comes out all premeditated. It makes sense. You visualize it, you analyze it, and you do it. Your proud of what you've done. You hope for the best.

Yet, sometimes you do things and you don't really think about it. It's like you were partially blindfolded. You have no idea what's going on behind the blinds, but you think you're on the right path.

People make mistakes.

I've made too many.

Where does this leave me? Who have I become? Am I still the same person? Am I really making the same stupid mistakes all over again? Did I calculate this? Or was I partially blindfolded?

I actually don't know anything anymore. I walk aimlessly and I fear the next step.

What have I done?

I didn't want to be here again. I didn't want to be "that guy." I didn't want to have to write in this anymore. I didn't want this "inspiration," but here I am...

I'm back.

7.18.2007

100th Post

It's interesting enough that this is truly my 100th post. Even though the entry number says 93, 100 posts have been made. I have been writing for almost exactly two years. Two years of words and sentences that grouped together tried to portray what I felt.

Two years of pain, suffering, frustration, distance, disappointments, happiness, joy, laughter, jealousy, and love.

Two whole years I've tried to put it all down in writing. For two years a lot of people have read these lines and somehow found hope, happiness, sadness, or fear. I was categorized. I was labeled. "hopeless romantic" and the occasional "the guy who I wish was writing about me."

Nevertheless, I am not what these words show. I am not who I mostly say I am. I am different than the words explain. I am less than you think. I may be even worse than what you have yourself. I have little to offer sometimes. Words don't really solve it all.

I had, and still have, love to give. Unconditional. Relentless. Ever-powerful.

I break your thoughts. I break your hopes. Maybe we are all the same. Maybe love isn't enough. Maybe hope is for the idealistic. Maybe ... well, just maybe not. Who knows. I hope you all find something somehow. I just think it's too much to make people expect me to write something. I will be around, I will write. Just you see.

I don't want to say it is a goodbye. I don't want to say I will not write here again. Maybe you were expecting more details of this relationship; this "unborn relationship" as she always called it. I apologize.

I sit here empty and silent. My fingers type without caring or knowing the previous lines. This is coming out as it appears in my head. No thoughts. No more.

I hope to write again. I truly do. Nevertheless, I bid farewell for now.

...and to her:
te amaré siempre
aunque no escriba aquí

Goodbye

7.10.2007

Entry 92 - One Year

A whole year ... it's amazing how fast it actually really went by. I must admit I had so many things I wanted to write here. I really did. Here I was about to write it all with you on the phone and then comes my father and upstages me. My dad said everything I wanted to say in about 90% words than I intended to use. Regardless of the words I had, I think he said it best:

365 days, 21900 mins, 1314000 seconds of love, cariño, comprensión, arguments, misunderstandings, reconciliation, besos, hugs, phone calls, noticas, poetry. Thank God 4 it.

Thanks Dad.
Thank you God.
Te amo mi amor.

4.23.2007

Entry 91 - Sin Título

Si te dijera que te quiero estuviera mintiéndote. Bueno, por lo menos no estaría diciendo la verdad completa. Siempre habría algo que se quedará perdido entre los caminos de mi corazón y mi boca. Siempre existiera algo que se me escapara en el momento. Si te diera un beso no fuera mi máxima demostración de amor. Quizás fuera suficiente para que supieras qué siento, pero en estos días hay tantos actos vacíos de emoción que me doliera pensar que se tomara como uno de esos. A veces pienso que por más que quiera nunca entenderás lo que siento, nunca sabrás aquel sentimiento que causas en mi. Quizás debiera de llamarle amor, y simplemente decirte que te amo.

Aunque ... eso ya lo hago. ¿Cómo demostrarte que el amor que siento por ti es más de lo que mi vocabulario y mi cuerpo pueda expresar?

Algún día me inventaré una palabra.
Algún día podré demostrarte.
Algún día podrás ver, completamente, lo que siento.
Mientras tanto,
te amo.

4.08.2007

Entry 90 - I See You Everywhere

i walked out into the garden. i stood alone and looked around me. i felt my gaze move upwards. i saw one small star amongst a sky of clouds. one small star and i saw you. there you were, rushing through my thoughts and making me miss you more than ever.

i see you everywhere.
i see you in everything i do.

i see you in every child i teach. i see you in every movie i watch. i hear you in every song line. i feel you near me as i put on my cologne and i stumble upon yours between mine. i stare at that empty seat next to me as i go anywhere. i see face stare back at me each morning. i feel your happiness complementing mine.
i need you with me.
Gary Jules - Mad World

3.25.2007

Entry 89 - Amazed

you make me feel more than anyone has ever made me feel. you inspire me and make me feel good about myself, i'm proud of myself and proud of being with you.
that i never expected really.

i just figured i'd have a normal simple life, with nothing much to do. with you i feel it's fun and it's life and it's adventurous, but not so overwhelming either, it's in its parameters.

at times i feel completely free with you and at times i feel completely restrained. but, nevertheless, the balance is fine.

i love it that i feel like we learn from each other, and we grow from each other.

i guess i just never really expected to get so much out of a relationship.

it actually amazes me too, most of the time these things just die out and become routine. but i've never felt a routine with you. it's all so different.

3.10.2007

Entry 88 - Departures

I held it all back babe. I actually did. I felt that strong pain as I got all choked up. I felt the tears building up in my eyes and as much as I tried to smile my cheeks weighed a thousand pounds. To let go of you and see you walk away felt like someone pulling at my soul.

It seems so overly dramatic, doesn't it?

It wasn't. You were here for such short time.
I miss you so much sweety.

I guess I should be glad to have had you here. To have been able to see you, hold you, touch you, kiss you, hug you...

I miss the feel of your hands.
I miss how soft and secure and at home I feel when I hug you.
I miss that utter happiness I feel by simply seeing you nearby.

Te amo tanto mi amor.
I will miss you.
TLY

2.14.2007

Entry 87 - VDay07

This was supposed to be my channel to express myself. In here I was supposed to write something to move you. Something that would make you smile the way I love to see you smile. I was hoping to make butterflies fly around and have a herd of elephants stampede in your stomach.

but you beat me to it

I guess right now I'm too speechless to write. I think I'm too in love to fully express myself. Writing it wouldn't be right, it would never be as much as I feel it.

thank you
te amo
always

2.05.2007

Entry 86 - Nameless

It's been a while since I write here. I guess I got caught up in some things and I forgot to write. Maybe I just forgot to write all together. I don't know. The truth is that things aren't the same as they were when I first wrote here. Anyone who'd ever read this could see that. The true reason for having begun this has long passed.
Things change. Things remain.
Once someone asked me if I still loved you the same. If it was as strong. I think I only smiled.
I only smiled because it filled me with joy to know that I loved you even more. To know that things were better now.
Maybe the whole point of this has changed, but the idea in the back remains: I love her.
I guess that's all that matters.

1.26.2007

Entry 85 - I am ok

It has been quite a while since I really wrote here. I guess it was the fear of missing out on something while I wrote. I think it was that. I didn't want things to breeze by, I wanted to live it all while she was still here.

Now she is gone though.

I'm not down though. I was the first couple of days, but now I feel different. I think I feel safe. I think that's it. Somehow I can sit down and smile alone. I can browse my future and utter a sigh of relief. Things seem good, even those that were to be travesties are now so simple.

My father wrote me, the day of my birthday, that when he was my age he had felt insecure, lost, and alone. Because of those feelings he had committed various mistakes that would then shape his future, his now. He's ok now though, but there arethings he regrets.

I guess reading that e-mail made me smile somehow. Not to smile at his inconvenience, but to smile at knowing I am not lost, I am not insecure, and I am certainly not alone. I am happy.

Thank you for loving me the way you do.
Love you eternally.


1.19.2007

Entry 84 - Your Absence

It lingers in the air.
It trails me regardless where I go.
It sneaks in with every breath I take.
It buries itself behind my smiles.
It’s so strong it’s palpable.
i miss you

1.18.2007

Entry 83 - Asombro

Es asombroso como las cosas cambian. Tantas cosas han ocurrido y aquí estamos. La gente me pregunta si te amo y solamente sonrío. No debería tener que hacer más nada. Me siento seguro contigo. Veo mi futuro y estas ahí. Presente. Como siempre.

Ya no es un pensar de si ¨quizas estaremos juntos,¨ ya es algo más de ahí. La paz que siento contigo es indescriptible. Te adoro.

12.24.2006

Entry 82 - Time Lapse

I know I haven't written in so long.
It's not because bad things have happened,
it's because wonderful things have happened.
She's here.
She's with me.
That's all I should have to say.

11.19.2006

Entry 81 - Missing You

I don't have much to say
I just miss you

so much

10.13.2006

Entry 80 - Destiny



To think that we hadn't crossed paths in those times,
but that our lives had already crossed in so many ways.
It is as if our future had been laid down for us.
As if all that has happened is for a reason.
Like if it was our destiny to be together now.
Do you believe in destiny?
I, myself, don't know,
but I do believe in us.

You and me.
That I believe in.
That's all I need.

10.09.2006

Entry 79 - Empty

I feel lost now. Empty.
I'm mostly afraid.
I have a heavy sunken feeling.
My eyes droop as if to sleep.
Sure, I'm tired, but I just don't want to be awake.

I despise this. I really do.

I could offer a million apologies, but I know it would not matter.

I wish you could believe me that there's nothing to hide.
I wish I could let you see it. I wish I could DO something.

My words are empty now. I know that.
My words mean nothing.

10.04.2006

Entry 78 - Te Amo

I know it's been tough.
I know not you nor me has had it easy.
But I know we have each other.
Even in the distance, we have each other.

You are my best friend.
You are the love of my life.

Why would I ever give up on that?
te amo

9.30.2006

Entry 77 - They say...

People are constantly asking me if something is wrong. It's as if they can read my mind by merely looking into my eyes. I don't know what they see, but I believe them. They say I look tired. They say I have sad eyes.

A friend of mine once told me that even though he appeared to be enjoying himself he was really empty inside. He told me that what you may see on the outside does not really relate to what is on the inside. I believe him now.

A laugh on the outside, a sigh on the inside.
A smile on my face, a lost look in my mind.

It's better to just lie to everyone.
To act like everything is in its place.

I miss you. Your laugh, your eyes, your touch, your kiss, your companionship, your love. I miss all of you.
they say i have sad eyes

9.16.2006

Entry 76 - Inside not Outside

I wish I could tell you that everything is fine. That I have been able to adapt to this lack of you. I wish I could tell everyone that their company, their jokes, and their laughs make me feel better.

The truth is they don't.

My outside does not reflect my inside.

I get together with all those whom are my friends and I laugh, and joke, and talk, and have fun. But the truth is that inside I'm empty. Inside I miss you. There are moments that even the strongest fit of laughter is paused by a reminder that you are not here to laugh with me. The real truth is that I miss you every moment and that this is hard.

I love you and I want the best for you. We took different roads, but I know our destination is the same. And just that thought is enough to make me smile once again.

9.10.2006

Entry 75 - An Absence

I have been keeping busy as much as I can. I've tried to maintain a certain thought process throughout my days to avoid thinking about you. It's not that I don't want to, it's that it's better if I continue my day at a certain pace.

But still, there are split seconds in which I rest and you come bursting into my thoughts. I smile. Then slowly remember your absence. I take a deep breath and resume whatever it is I was doing.

When I'm driving is when I miss you most. I feel that emptiness besides me. I look over expecting to see your smile, your beautiful eyes, and that hair of yours always getting in the way. But you're not there.

Sometimes I see a bright red car and I always catch myself looking to see who's driving it. Knowing it can't be you, but, somehow, hoping it is.

A car honks in front of my house and I still stand up to look out. I don't run to the window anymore, but I always check.

I miss you.
You have no idea how much I do.

I'll go back to keeping my mind busy now...

9.02.2006

Entry 74 - A Farewell

It wasn't how I had anticipated it.

I had replayed it over and over in my mind. No matter what, I always felt the sharp hint of tears on the corner of my eyes. To think that you would be leaving once more and I were to stay here. I'm not taking it against you, Lord knows I believe you deserve this opportunity. Plus, I once left you too.

But the time came for us to separate. The tears were there. The knot in my throat overpowering. That heavy sunken feeling in my chest paralyzing me. Yet ... It felt different. Regardless of the pain of seeing you go, even though I felt that absence almost inmediately, I knew we would be ok. I knew that time and distance would not destroy what we are.

I'm aware of the trials and tribulations that may come, but I'm confident of us.

I know you told me these exact words, but I'd like to say them right back at you:
"I love you with all my heart. Thank you for loving me so much y por creer en nosotros even in the hardest times. Te amo"

I miss you like crazy already.

Come what may,
I will love you
until my dying day

8.20.2006

Entry 73 - Pieces

I think of last night and still my heart aches.
I try and make sense of it all, but it's not that easy.
I try and block it off, but it keeps on coming back.

Pieces of my heart broke off last night.
But I love her. I always will.
To those things I did wrong, I ask forgiveness.
I love you. I adore you.
I'm sorry.

8.10.2006

Entry 72 - Daydreaming

It's amazing how simple this can all really be. I sit here, staring at the paper as I doodle. Daydreaming. Thinking of you. I am overwhelmed with emotions that wish to pour down on paper.
I wish I could put write down how it is to hold you. To smell your fragance. To squeeze you and feel the love pouring out. I wish I could express it all properly. I wish everyone could know how it feels to hold the one you love. A simple embrace. A soft caress. A loving smile.

I wish I could take you and disappear forever.
But for now I am glad to have you as I do.

7.25.2006

Entry 71 - Fearing It Already

i fear it already
"i'm going to miss you"

that look in your eyes like you had just realized it. the time nearing, but wishing not to think of it for now.
you will be gone
i will be here
i'm afraid of how it will feel
i'm afraid of not knowing how to take it

it was so easy to get used to you, to see you, to laugh with you, to hold you, to hug you, to kiss you, to adore you, to live you, . . .
to fall in love with you
i don't want to think about it yet
i don't want to be afraid already

7.10.2006

Entry 70 - The Lost Post

I wrote January 25th, 2006.
It was put away for a reason that doesn't much matter now.
------------------------------------
These last few days I have taken the time to re-read everything I have said. As much as I go over it and retrace the events in my mind I still find myself in awe of all this.

I saw how I began to change my way of thinking, my emotions, and my desires. How lonely and desolate it was at the beginning. How brave and persistent things were midway. How beautiful life turned until now. In the highs and the lows I always had you in mind.
Always

It feels like a fairy tale,
like a story you hear told from a friend of a friend.
So much of it seems so surreal.
I love this!

It's funny how alike we think sometimes.
I think you said it best when you wrote:

Doesn't matter how far we are from each other...
Doesn't matter our past...
Doesn't matter the problems that might come...
The only thing I care for now... present... is you.
I love you with all my heart and nothing can ever change that.

love you penguin

6.15.2006

Entry 69 - Una vez más

Y me enamoré de ti una vez más. Ya cuando mi corazón no esperaba poder sentir tanta dicha, alegría, pureza ... amor. Ahí vienes y te me acurrucas en otra esquinita de mi corazón y me enamoro de ti nuevamente.

No me preguntes qué hiciste.
No me preguntes en cuál momento lo sentí.
No me preguntes por qué.

Solamente te puedo decir que me he levantado con el amor a toda fuerza.
Amándote.
Adorándote.
Parasiempre.

Mi corazón es tuyo,
para llenar o explotar.
Romper o enterrar.
O usar como adorno.
Para lo que quieras.

5.28.2006

In Response

I have never expressed that this is flawless.
Nothing in life is perfect.

What one must do is find the perfect in the imperfect.

Life will never be flawless, it would then be rather boring and monotonous.
Love can never be perfect and flawless.

All roads have bumps, cracks, and detours, but if they get you to your destination then they have lived up to their purpose.

I never began writing this to prove anything. In fact, for those who have read it in its entirety do know that it began with a "broken heart." I never truly expected life to bring me to where I am now. What I have now is not ideal and is not perfect, but I love it. I love how perfect it is with all its imperfections.


Even if there is no dance floor,
there is no music,
and there is no rhythm.

5.27.2006

Entry 68 - Dance With Me Forever

So many people do not believe the things I write. They say it must be lies because a love like ours cannot exist. Some do not believe that things will work. My past precedes me, I know this, I will always carry this with me. Others hope for our love to never move on, for it to stop. It is a burden we knew we would carry.

The truth is our love has already tested the sands of time.
The truth is our love holds no boundaries.
The truth is our love is ever growing.
The truth is our love will outlast this all.

Our love has been stepped on, crushed, and thrown away ...

Yet, here we are once more.
Still in our eternal dance with love.
Mi amor, baila conmigo para siempre.

5.14.2006

Entry 67 - No tenemos que decir nada

"No es necesario hablar del amor,
porque el amor tiene su propia voz,
y
habla por sí mismo."


Así somos nosotros dos.

Entre miradas nuestro amor se expresa por si mismo. Con un simple toque de mis dedos con los tuyos decimos todo. Un abrazo manifiesta una confesión de amor. Cada sonrisa enunciando nuestra felicidad.

¿Para qué decirte "te adoro"?
¿Para qué decirte "te quiero"?
¿Para qué decirte "te amo"?

Nuestro amor habla por si mismo.

5.02.2006

Entry 66 - Y Llegaste ...

Y llegaste cuando menos te esperaba.
Cuando mi mente se nublaba por problemas.
Llegaste cuando mi ánimo iba rozando el suelo.
Te me apareciste.
Todo se me fue al piso.
Te vi y mi mundo frenó.
Me frizé. Quedé estático.
Esa sonrisa.
Esos ojos.
Ese cabello.
¡Cuánto te extrañé!
¡Cuánto te necesité!
De sorpresa tomaste mi corazón,
de sorpresa me quitaste el aliento,
de sorpresa llegaste.
Te Amo
¡Que todo el mundo lo sepa!

4.28.2006

Entry 65 - A Twirling Delight

You stood there twirling in white.
A glimpse of beauty.
Such a sincere delight.
Your glowing smile.
That little dance.
My heart with pride.
'You look adorable'
-I said
There you were,
My eternal bliss.

4.13.2006

Entry 64 - Short Letter

Dear Love,

I awoke to find a rainy day and an empty space by my side.
Immediately I thought of you.

Part of me feeling your absence beside me,
part of me loving thinking of you as soon as I awake.

The cool breeze entered my room and I huddled in a corner of my bed.

I miss you.

There is so much left for us to see, to love, to live.

I miss those things that have yet to pass.
That have yet to be lived by us.

When shall you return to me?
Doesn't matter. I will be here awaiting.

Love Always,
Your Love

4.09.2006

Entry 63 - Una noche más sin ti

Observé el mar en su infinito.
Era tarde en la noche para mi.
Temprano en la madrugada para ella.

Me la imaginé como bella durmiente.
Pacífica. Tierna. Hermosa.
Una imagen de dulzura.

El rugido del oceano me envuelve.
El frio me golpea la cara.
Y el viento me aconseja que me volteé.

Dios, cuánto la amo.

Cada día que pasa me enamoro más.
El oscuro mar me asegura que me amas.
Aquellas olas bailan por nuestro amor.

4.08.2006

Entry 62 - Ese vacio

Ando las calles y entre risas y cuentos siento un vacio. A veces duradero, a veces pasajero. Respiro hondo y se va.

No sé de dónde viene ese sentimiento.
No sé por qué me da en esos momento.
Viene y se va.

Siempre miro a mi alrededor. Suelto un suspiro lentamente. Trago en seco. Miro hacia el piso. Pienso "La extraño. ¿Por qué no está aquí conmigo?" Alguien me llama. Miro hacia arriba. Sonrio. Vuelvo a las risas y los cuentos.

¿Por qué no estas aquí?

4.02.2006

Entry 61 - Líneas

Cada mañana abro mis ojos y espero ver tu rostro en la almohada de al lado. Aquella felicidad se me va tornando a decepción al ver que estoy solo. Sé que es absurdo, el esperar algo que nunca ha sido. Quizas mi mente ya piensa en algún futuro lejano.
¿O quizas cercano?

Ansioso
Queriendo empezar una vida contigo.

Le doy gracias a Dios por haberme demostrado el camino hacia ti. Todos estos años, todas aquellas cosas que te he hecho mi amor, cada vez que te hice llorar, sonreir, reir, amar, odiar... de alguna forma, eran parte del todo.
Perdon.
Muchos te ven y te preguntan por qué otra oportunidad?
Solamente tu sabes aquella respuesta.
.Te Amo.

En lo que nos queda siempre estaré ahí.
Siempre te abrazaré. Siempre te confortaré. Siempre te añoñaré. Siempre te ayudaré. Siempre te besaré. Siempre te voy a querer. Siempre.

Nunca me iré.
Nunca te dejaré.

3.26.2006

Entry 60 - Con cada una

Con cada sonrisa, con cada mirada, con cada caída de tu cabello, con cada risita, con cada "te amo" que me dices me doy cuenta de lo afortunado que soy.

Estoy locamente enamorado de ti.

"I'm always going to be your biggest fan."

3.22.2006

Entry 59 - El nunca entiende

Me siento solo.
Desolado.
Aquí estoy, los párpados pesándome más de la cuenta.
Mis labios tratando de explicarle a mi corazón,
pero este no entiende.
El nunca entiende.
Odio el silencio.
Odio la lejanía.

Extraño tenerte, aunque no te tenía.
Extraño verte, aunque no te veía.
Extraño tocarte, aunque no te tocaba.
Pierdo el conocimiento.
Aprieto los ojos
para calmar el ardor.
Te amo, pero odio el silencio.
Te adoro, pero odio la lejanía.
El nunca entiende.

3.20.2006

Entry 58 - Understanding

I know that for anyone who stumbles across this diary it must seem rather fairy-tale-like. I know that even in those whom have or will become faithful followers there will still be a certain disbelief in the lines that pour out of me so easily.
I understand.

It comes to me now, several months later, that those of you who have read this in its entirety were much more outspoken in the days of dread. The beginning. In those times when my world lay empty and my heart broken. It is not because you appreciate the human suffering, but, I understand now, it is because it is what you do know.

Those whom are still with me now are trapped in this embellished state of love and affection. Blissfulness. Happiness. Trust. Respect. Loyalty. Hard to believe, but true love does exist.

I found it with her.
I believe of it because of her.

Call me what you wish.
Don't believe me if you want.
I understand.

3.13.2006

Entry 57 - Gifts

Love
Trust
Happiness

Such great gifts you've given me.

How did I come to be so in love with you?

Te amo

3.07.2006

Entry 56 - Glimpse of Future Wishes

I await for the moments when I can show you that Europe we both saw separately in our youth. The splendor of the Senna River at sundown, the majesty of Prague, the bohemian life of Mont Matre in Paris, the intense nights of Spain, that historical power of Athens & Rome, and the almost story book Holland.

I yearn to stare at countless exhibits at the Prado in Madrid, Le Louvre in Paris, the Metropolitan in New York, the Smithsonian at Washington, and the Vatican City Museum. To take in all that was and still is beautiful. Lost in silent moments, appreciating life, history, love, us.

Museums ... a reminder that some things that people have loved do remain intact throughout the ages.

I wish to indulge in the beauties of the Cruce de los Lagos from Chile to Argentina. To embrace in the presence of its savage mountains and glistening lakes. To stay at that log cabin castle lost in the middle of the wilderness. Let you see that amazing lake that sits atop the mountain, high above the other lakes.

God! The countless paths we are to walk,
those eternal wonders I wish to embrace with you.

Please return, let us begin the future now.

2.25.2006

Entry 55 - Frases Sueltas

de quererte
de extrañarte
de amarte
hecho el uno para el otro
enamorados por primera y segunda vez
ambas de los dos
de sentirnos tan bien, felices, llenos, perfectos por el otro
de saber que nadie mas nos puede llenar, complementar
de tener fe en el amor
de saber que no hay nada mejor que amar.
de entender que nuestro tiempo aparte fue para poder amarnos y querernos mas
de que todos los acontecimientos ocurrieron para al final estar seguros el uno del otro

de sonreir por la increible felicidad de saber que estamos juntos

de que esta distancia no es mas que otra prueba para enseñarle a todos que nuestro amor es envidiable.
te amo
te adoro
te extraño

"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"

2.21.2006

Entry 54 - I Can't Sleep...

I can't sleep.
As much as I try to lie down.
Shut my eyes.
Concentrate in the sound of my fan,
turning round and round over me.

I can't sleep.
I've said my prayers.
I've tucked myself in.
I've set things in their place.
I've turned it all off.

I can't sleep.
I want to see you.
I want to speak to you.
I want to accept your constant invitations.
I want to.

I can't sleep because 5000 miles separate us.
I can't sleep because I want to live the future now.
I can't sleep because I love you.

2.20.2006

Entry 53 - Reasons

I love you for so many reasons that it seems even ridiculous to begin to write such entry. How could I possibly plaster down all the reasons why?
Would it be possible?

To say that you make me smile so much that sometimes my cheeks hurt?
That whenever I know you're calling me my heart races?
That I still get nervous when I see you?
Or maybe of how incredibly gorgeous and adorable I find you?
How you can make me think you're cute, intelligent, sweet, and sexy all at once?
Maybe the fact that you bring out this perfected person in me.
The way we can talk about our future and all we want for each other:
House, Work, Children, Dreams, Love.
That there's so many obstacles to face but we know that together it's much easier.
That I can see it in your eyes.
In your smile.
When someone tells me how I look when I speak of you.
No, it's impossible to say them all.
I can see us together.
I can see us now.
I can see us forever

2.08.2006

Entry 51 - I love you when ...

i love you
i love you when you're sleepy
i love you when you're sick
i love you when you're happy
i love you when you're tired
i love you when you're mad
i love you when you're hyper
i love you when you're jealous
i love you when you're sleeping
i love you when you're teaching
i love you when you're complaining
i love you when you're hugging me
i love you when you're smiling at me
i love you when you're hiding your face
i love you when you're embarrased
i love you when you're missing me
i love you when you're loving me
i love you
i love you always
i love you 'til the end of time

i know i already gave this to you,
in the first card i have ever given you

Entry 50 - Escasez de Palabras

pensé que tenía un don con las palabras
que algo de mi podía expresar cualquier cosa
que mis habilidades eran suficientes para toda situación,
todo sentimiento, todo amor
hoy me encuentro perdido.
no perdido porque no estas aquí.
no... perdido porque ya no tengo palabras.
podría decirte todas las palabras,
aquellas que sé y aquellas que descubra,
pero nunca serían cercanas a lo que siento por ti.
por mas que te diga que te quiero.
que te adoro.
que te extraño.
que te amo.
por mas que lo haga,
nunca sería lo suficiente para lo que siento.

1.30.2006

Entry 49 - Por ti

entre nosotros existe algo que me saca de mi ser.
hay algo que me dice que por ti debería ser más.
que por ti debería tratar más.
es tanto que muchas cosas que he decidido han sido por ti para mí.

¿te acuerdas cuando te dije lo que más amaba de ti?

tu necesidad y amor para ayudar los otros y hacer el bien.
esa pasión para que todos estén felices es una virtud que pocos entienden.

hay personas que miran hacia el futuro y no ven nada para ellos.
hay personas que cuando piensan en el pasado prefieren olvidar.
hay personas que contemplan su presente y se sienten perdidos.

Yo era uno.
Ya no.

miro hacia el futuro y te veo.
pienso en el pasado y prefiero recordar.
contemplo mi presente y contigo nunca estaría perdido.

una vez estuve perdido,
busqué y busqué,
solamente para encontrarme en ti.

Peanut Butter & Jelly

1.25.2006

Entry 48 - Peanut Butter & Jelly

read me now
yo, a ti, te amo
yo, a ti, te espero hasta el final del tiempo
yo te adoro penguin
yo paro mi mundo y le doy diez vueltas por ti
yo creo en nosotros
una vez tu me dijistes que creías en nosotros también
i'm here
you're there
pero, at least in my point of view,
our hearts are together
'come what may'
this is not done
don't be scared
i would never move on,
or let go...
not of you
i could never do that
i would never be so stupid to
digan lo que digan ...
te amo
simple

1.22.2006

Entry 47 - Anxious For That Moment

It rushes my day.
It makes things more bearable.
I live for that moment.

All the world revolves around those hours.
My life hits STOP and all is still for you.
time & distance
...meaningless
all ... when i speak to you
... it does not matter how far away we may be ...
... it does not matter the time that will separate us ...
...our love is always here...
...our love is always now...

thank you for trusting me
thank you for believing in me
thank you for loving me
thank you


1.16.2006

Entry 46 - Refound Faith

I remember it was 1997 when my heart was first broken. I recall how my lips quivered and I wept. I can still feel all the pain come over me as my heart was destroyed. I had truly loved her and it ended.
It was so long ago.
Ages ago really.
I don't speak to her much.
There are no hard feelings.
No grudges.
No remorse.
For years I stopped believing in love. Always a hopeless romantic at heart, but only struggling to believe in something that brought nothing to me. Regardless of whom I was with I could not imagine myself with anyone forever. It was an empty feeling. To be with someone, love them, care for them, but to know that it is not forever. It's a horrible feeling that ruins the happiest moments and brings fear all over you.
That was years ago.
Today is a different story.
Today I have you.

You brought it back.
You made me fall in love with love again. Because of you I am now in love as I could have never been before. You say I express myself better, but it was you who said it best:
"i feel complete"
"it feels perfect"
"i feel like we belong together"
"i feel happy"
"it feels right"
Your words,
more than mine.
"Seasons may change, winter to spring
but i love you, until the end of time"
"Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place"

1.14.2006

Entry 45 - "I'll be here"

Maybe it was too short.
Maybe it was too long.
It didn't matter.
Heart pumping.
A smile.
A hidden moment.
Happy to see her,
sad to know it is a goodbye.
A long hug,
a stroke of her hair,
a kiss on the shoulder.
"i love you"
"i love you"
Silence.
Take in the moment.
Love this.
Remember this.
"i love you"
"i'm really going to miss you"
"I'll be here..."
Hold back the tears.
Hold them back.

(2) Death Cab for Cutie - Lack of Color

1.08.2006

Entry 44 - In The End...

I tried to write something that would sum up all that I felt this past week. I searched in my mind for words that their mere sight would inspire beauty, happiness, and love. I actually did. Yet, regardless how much I looked I found nothing to live up to what keeps playing over in my mind, to what I keep feeling in my heart, and to what my soul is yearning for.

So many things I could depict, so many feelings I could express, but my mind has turned useless in front of my heart. It's ok. I accept that I could never fully say everything I wish to say. I understand that. But,

We were one, weren't we?
We were happy, right?
We loved each other, didn't we?

If you want, you can put it away and forget it.
But why forget what we both wanted? That embrace that brought tears of joy. That instant that took my breath away. That instant when our fingers would lock and we would hold hands. That you had not smiled like that in the longest time? The moment when we were at the stairs. [finally] The sunrise and that beginning of us.

You may do what you want, but I will not forget that you looked me in the eyes and told me you loved me and that in the end there were only smiles from our hearts.

Special thanks to Minnie & Joselo for believing in true love.

1.07.2006

Entry 43 - 'Friday April 24th, 2009'

A thousand candles lit. A million white roses lay and clung to surfaces. I remember seeing the candlelight flicker against the backdrop of the wall. A thousand eyes staring my way. A thousand minds locked on me. I was at that point between excitement and nervousness.

Everyone was there somehow. Everyone I knew and cared for was there. Those whom I once knew as enemies were there to celebrate. A celebration. A choir in the background. I would move a bit on my spot. I knew I couldn't move too much, everyone was still staring. The music began. Slow. Sweet. Simple. Nothing big.
My heart pumped a million times in a split second.

You came towards me. Slowly. Beautiful. Smiling. Your eyes dancing. Your smile from cheek to cheek. Our eyes locked. Our smiles spoke to each other. Like two children we were. You stood before me, more beautiful, more perfect, more than ever. My eyes watered and I lost my breath. Happiness overwhelmed me. My heart stopped and I breathed in. Deeply. Lovely. Lovingly.

'God I love you' - i whispered
'Ssshhh' - you responded and smiled

Forever.
Always.
Until the end of time.

I told you I had a good dream.

1.04.2006

Entry 43 - "Thank You"

As I lay myself to bed I could not but notice I was smiling. I tugged myself in and cuddled up. I felt the coolness of the blankets and quilts enwrap me. I closed my eyes and clutched Him, as I do every night before I sleep. I wanted to say so many things, I wanted to refer to other prayers & other sleepless nights, I wanted to speak of all those things I wished for.

I stopped.

As much as I tried to think all I could do was think of what you had just told me.

"...and I really mean it."
"...you take my breath away..."
"...in just 3 years..."

No need for prayers today.
No need to ask for anything from You.
No need for any help.
All I said,
"Thank You"

1.02.2006

Entry 42 - Hate Me

It is this weary feeling in me that seems to be taking over. I have shed a tear or two. I have lost myself in thought. Part of me feels like it just died, but I do not exactly know why. I think the worse thing is not knowing why. I spend most of my time thinking things over and over again. I cannot stop thinking of you, smiling at the thought of you, wishing for a moment between you and me.

Nothing is impossible, only difficult;
and difficulty is overrated.

Taking risks. Giving things a chance.
Realizing truths. Grasping love.

You hate me because you're falling in love with me?

Then hate me until the end of time.

12.29.2005

Entry 41 - Three Small Words

It was easy.
It was really easy.
I knelt before you.
You were hidden from me.
I smiled of joy.
You smiled of nervousness.
I removed your glasses.
You shyed away.
"Mirame los ojos"
"Yo te amo."

It was so simple to let my heart express itself.
No doubts. No regrets. No turning back.

(15) Franco de Vita - Te Amo

12.22.2005

Entry 40 - Perfection

I held you in my arms.
A delicate, lovely embrace.
I slowly closed my eyes.
Took in the moment.
My heart raced.
My throat dried.

You moved back and said "I love you."
I smiled and said "I love you too."
You looked me in the eyes.
"I really mean it."
I smiled once more.
"I know"
I had not known until that moment.

Don't ask me how long it was.
Don't ask me anything.
I wasn't thinking.
I was thinking too much.

"It felt right, it felt great, it felt perfect."
I think so too Penguin.

12.11.2005

Entry 39 - I'm Tired

I guess this is supposed to happen. Is it not? This sort of lost feeling of hope. This semi-sunken feeling in my chest. I have heard of people tell me how they lose it and they strive to keep it together. Countless people have come up to me and given me advice.

"You need to move on."
"She will never be with you."
"She doesn't love you."

It's hard.
It is so hard.

I try and clear my mind. I try to shade all those fearful and hopeless emotions. The truth is I am losing this battle. I am losing myself again and I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I will turn into my old self again without you. I am afraid that all that I have worked on will vanish. I am afraid of how I will feel in the end. I am afraid of your silence. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid that you will actually never love me again.

Someone told me: "it's simple, but complicated."

It is simple because to me, I believe you love me. It is simple because to me, I am madly in love with you. It is complicated because to me, you don't even know what you want. It is complicated because to me, you chose him over me.

I wish I were stronger,
but the truth is ...
I never was.

I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of not understanding. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of losing you. I'm tired of knowing it is my fault. I'm tired of being so angry at myself. I'm tired ...

12.06.2005

Entry 38 - It Unites Us

There is something about little children smiling at you;
How they reach up to you thinking you're a giant.
How they forget that age boundary and you're their bestfriends.

It's something about that innocence,
you want to forever leave it intact.
Nurture it, freeze it, frame it.

There's something about that unconditional love.

That high-pitched giggle at the smallest thing,
Something about that pure happiness in their eyes.

So many people have yet to live that moment.
To experience that joy of teaching someone that way.

... touching a life they say ...

You and I have,
In our different ways,
but we have.

that joins us somehow
unites us - brings us together.

Finding equality in difference,
just as my father once said.

12.03.2005

Entry 37 - Like You Meant It

Maybe it was the chill of the night. Or maybe it was the rush of people before us. I think it was the idea that you were there with me. We were where it matters most to me. So many smiling faces passing by. What a commotion! You saw me with those whom I consider most precious to me.

Time flew by so quickly, but we were somehow frozen in time. My happiness overwhelmed me. My joy without its limits. Giddy as child. It could not have been more perfect; more fairy tale like.

...then you hugged me...

You didn't think it.
You didn't hide it.
You told it to the world.

You hugged me like you meant it.
And I knew, that you meant it.

(1) 'Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember'

12.01.2005

...She Responds...

So here you are retelling our story,
Screaming out your feelings; talking about your broken heart.

Letting the world know how lucky we are to have each other.

It’s true; I love you in a different way.
Time has passed, things have changed, and so have I.
2 years ago I decided to move on; I decided to leave you in the past.
I did it, until I found you again.

I loved you with every bit of my heart.
I tried to be perfect,
Doing everything you liked just to make you notice me.
But it didn’t work.

You were with her,
and I was there,
alone,
loving you, needing you

I had a broken heart too.

For now all we have is our friendship.
All we have are dreams, hopes, feelings…
Feelings that need to be hidden, that can’t be told.
Feelings that only you and I know exist.

We have us, we have our story, we have our dreams.
You are part of my life, I am part of yours.

------------------------
i did not write this one
she did

Entry 36 - Old Writings

I scurried through some old writings and I actually found one of long ago. At least five years since I wrote this as I lay on my new bed at the dormitory. Almost six years ago since I first put pen to paper and wrote of her.

I find her in my dreams.
I see her in my thoughts.
At times I can hear her next to me,
whispering to me, ever so soft.
I know I can feel her touch me,
but she's not there.

She lives in my mind, ever so strongly.
My heart held in her hands.
I wish I could forget her, but
when all is finally gone, I see her,
and I love her.


To think the only thing that has changed is how I express myself.
All else is the same.

11.19.2005

Entry 35 - Algunas Cosas Cambian, Otras No

Por alguna razón veo que las cosas están cambiando pero, al mismo tiempo, se permanecen estáticas. No sé.

Miro hacia delante y siento algún tipo de aliento mezclado con temor. Es como si supiera que las cosas van a caer fuertemente y después re-establecerse más fuerte que nunca. Quizás ese es el proceso adecuado para nosotros. Quizás lo que falta es una gran caída, otra más, y así podremos levantarnos y mostrarle a todos que valemos la pena.

Es increible como las cosas terminan.
Miranos.
Tú en mi lugar y yo en el tuyo.

Te entiendo.

Ahora te entiendo más que nunca. Dices que pierdes la paciencia, alguna vez eso me paso a mi también. Te encuentras entre dos y no sabes qué hacer. Entiendo.

A veces ando con la esperanza alta y con ese tu-run-tun-tún del corazón cuando sé que te veré. A veces me veo arrastrándome y mi alma llora cada vez que vuelves a mi mente.

¿Solamente nos falta el título?

Sí. Es verdad. Hace años que solamente nos falta el título.

¿Te acuerdas cuando te dijeron que yo siempre seré tu amor?
¿Nunca te conté cuando me dijeron que tú siempre serías mi vida?

Hay pocos obstáculos.
Hay pocas limitaciones.
Sólo somos tú y yo.
Nadie más.
Siempre.

11.15.2005

Entry 34 - Mesmerized

I was mesmerized by you.
You sitting there.
Close to me.
Next to me.
You told me your dreams.
You told me your desires.
You told me your goals.
I heard your future and I placed myself in it.
I dreamt for a second of how I would fit in there.

I heard you and I smiled.
I jotted down all those things that sprung into life.
I was mesmerized by you.

For a while there was no one but you and me.
For a while there was only our love.
For a while you were mine.

Closer we sat. Slower our touches. Delicate our words.

I know you were comfortable.
I know you feeling comfortable,
made you uncomfortable.

Not make you fall in love with me?

That was just you.
That was just me.
That was just love.

11.09.2005

Entry 33 - Slipping Away

I felt it.
Do not ask me how.
But I felt it.

Slowly tearing away.
Slowly, painfully tearing away.

A heavy weight.
A sunken feeling.
I shivered as if cold.
Yet my body was burning.
The harder I gripped,
the faster it slipped.

In that moment I felt it. I felt it tearing away.
Quickly. Suddenly. Rapidly.
I felt you slipping away

See? You did leave me.

11.02.2005

Entry 32 - An Unsent Letter

I don't really know why I am writing you. I don't even know what I wish to tell you. I don't know if this will ever be sent to you and even if you will ever read it, but I feel the need to write it. I don't know.

It's been almost five years since that first moment of attraction. Five years. Amazing. For as long as I can remember, since then, you have been there in my life. At times in center stage or in the background, regardless, you have been there. In any case I find it difficult to resume and continue my life if you are not there anymore.

I know what I did. I know how horrible it was. I know. I think back and I cannot believe that was me. I cannot believe that I could do such things. I can't. To think that after all these years such things would play such an important role in what is happening now.

I miss you.

I can still remember exactly how it felt. I can still feel as tears slowly rolled down my cheeks and I still feel that sharp sting in my chest. I knew I had lost you. No matter how much I cried, no matter how much you wanted to help me ... you picked him.

So, I sat there crying. I tried to surpress the tears and the gasps for air. Those gasps right before a long bout of crying. I tried to be the man. I tried to hold it in. I couldn't. I cried. I cried until the tears rolled down my neck and clear into my chest. I cried until my throat went dry from the heavy breating. I cried until my eyes turned bloodshot red. I cried.

You picked him. After all this. After all these years you chose him. After all the signs, all the obvious things, you preferred another. Sometimes I think and ask what I did wrong.

I already miss you and I still haven't lost you. You're going away. I know you are. Soon he will take you away. Soon he will limit you from me.

I need you.

I have to admit it. I wasn't honest. I didn't tell you the complete truth when I would say I Love You.
I wasn't telling you everything.

The truth is I am in love with you.

I am so sorry for all those times in the past. I am so sorry. I miss you. I need you. You had to stay. You had to see I have changed. You had to see me here. You had to see me now. You had to notice how my love for you is.

You had to pick me.

Now I see nothing. I feel nothing. I hear nothing.
You were my everything, and now I've lost everything.

All that is left is a silence on the other side of the telephone line, the remaining feeling of a beautiful hug, and memories.

Memories

I will always remember Caramel Cream, purple dresses, blueberry cheesecakes, alien antennas, penguins, Nutella, steps, Moulin Rouge, and a yellow rose.

Goodbye My Love

10.30.2005

Entry 31 - Where I Will Be

You know that place between sleep and awake?
That place when you still remember your dreams?
That moment where it all comes back.
That instant when it all disappears.

That's where I will always be.
That's where I will always love you.

10.28.2005

Entry 30 - I Heard You Sleeping

I remained on the phone as you slowly drifted.

I knew you were miles away in your dreams.
I felt that tranquility that enveloped you.

I can picture your face beautifully still.

.Silent.Pure.Sweet.

I heard your silence. I loved it.

I noticed the peace that overcame me then.
I felt close to you. I felt loving for you.

I remained on the phone while you slept.

10.26.2005

Entry 29 - Confession

today was the same as before

I caught myself staring at the phone. Sometimes I thought I heard it ring. I glanced at it frequently. At one point I called myself just to see if the line worked.

Why won't you call me?

I moved slowly today. I tried to find what it is I needed. Some say they hope I find it. I don't even know what it is I am missing.

I miss you.

I replay the events in my head. I go by everything that we did. Everything we said. Everything I felt. You said you loved me. You called because you missed me. You smiled because you were happy. Can't you see? haven't you noticed what all the others already know?

I'm in love with you.

10.25.2005

Entry 28 - We Will Always Have...

I turn back to think of what we used to have.

It is funny that the more I think of it,
the more things pop into my mind.

seems logical

We never had anything did we?

If we were never something ... how come we had so much?

Where did all this pain come from? Where did all that love go?
Where were all these words born? Where did all those tears end up?
When did all the laughters die out? When did we become so close?

Funny all the things that have gone.
Funny all the things that have come.

As much as things come and go,
we will always have yellow roses.

Entry 27 - Hope

I spent the whole day hoping you'd call.

I spent the whole day hoping you'd speak to me.

I spent the whole day hoping to maybe see you.

all day

I hope for you to come to me.
I hope for you to one day choose me.

You say our time has passed, I say our time is finally here.
I hope you see that too.

...hope...

the say the last thing you lose is hope